April is "the month of the military child" and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not really sure what that means. Military child "appreciation" month? Military child recognition month? I have no clue. It usually passes virtually unnoticed. We made it over half-way through the month before I remembered. I initially shrugged it off until I was going through some old facebook posts and ran across one I'd almost completely (but not quite) forgotten about. I wrote it shortly after we had PCSd (military lingo for moved to a new location) to Alaska. The first couple months up here were a bit of a doozy for all of us, both physically and emotionally. And, as if adjusting to a new location weren't bad enough, October rolled around and Congress decided to play chicken with balancing the budget. Again. And, again, that meant because they couldn't balance the budget that military pay was threatened until they could reach an agreement. Before this gets to political I'd like to point out that both parties are responsible for this - it's like Social Security and military pay are their bargaining chips. The uproar would be enormous if the military didn't get paid (thankfully our bank has our back even if our government doesn't) so instead of protecting that pay, which has been proposed more than once, they use it as a tool. It never ceases to tick me off. So there you have a little background as to what was going in our lives and minds when I wrote this post.
October 2, 2015
"Last night I came in the room to find my son sobbing on his bed after bedtime.
' What's wrong?' I asked, fully expecting him to be upset about the music he was listening to or a missing stuffed animal, the blankets not being just right, or some such silliness that plagues the lives of small children. Instead my heart nearly broke when he whimpered, 'I want to go back to Tennessee. I miss my friends.'
'I'm so sorry honey, I know it's hard.' I comforted.
'No one here likes me, Mom, they all like Ana better!' And my heart broke a little more.
Trenton is my 'hard to love' child...he's as cute as a button and momma's little snuggle bug but he tends to be extremely shy and standoffish with people he doesn't know. And he practically lives to shock and aggravate others. compared to his social butterfly sister he always comes up short. And as many times as I've reminded him that in order to have friends he has to be friendly, I think a part of his 5 year old little self just feels like it's too much of a struggle and that he just can't measure up to his sister. And underneath that tough, loner exterior he's truly a sweet and very sensitive child.
So I asked him about the new friends he's made here and whether or not some of them liked him...he nodded a tearful 'yes' then followed that up with 'I just really miss my old friends.'
I cuddled him on his bed and stroked his cheek while he fell asleep, promising that sleep would make it not hurt quite so much. But my heart has still not quite quit hurting for my baby boy. And it makes me angry with the flippancy that we, as a military family, get treated by those that should be most on our side. Our government is threatening our pay once again because they can't manage to balance the budget and rather than protect military pay (which has been proposed more than once) they use us as pawns. They say they pay us too much but force us to uproot our lives every 2-4 years sending us nearly anywhere on the globe of their choosing. No amount of money could ever compensate of having to comfort my hurting child or the amount of family time that we have missed and will continue to miss. When we're talking over $2,000 just for roundtrip airline tickets for a family of 4 to do down to the Lower 48, that makes seeing family a near impossibility for the next few years...but you're going to say we are paid too much? That we're overly entitled and money is being wasted on us? I'll be the first to say that there is a lot of waste in the Army but it's not being wasted in our pay...not with the sacrifices they are asking us to make. And to anyone that believes that it is being wasted on my family, say that to my face while I cuddle my children who are missing their friends and family after their whole little lives have been turned upside down again and while my husband does his duty for the sake of their freedom."
I still feel as passionately now as I did back then. The moves are hard on all of us. The uprooting, the changes, not being able to see family. My husband has missed the birth of one of his children, multiple birthdays, two anniversaries, and several holidays - and honestly, most of that is ok...it just goes with military life.
And we actually do enjoy the military life for the most part. It has it's drawbacks but it has it's really good points too. My husband thrives at his job; it's difficult and sometimes very emotionally taxing, but he's good at it. He's proud of what he does and so am I. We've been some great places and made some amazing, life-long friendships that we wouldn't have had it not been for these moves. It's forced me out of my comfort zone and made me a stronger, better person. So, yes, it is hard, but it's not all bad!
Leaving our friends behind is really difficult but gaining new ones? That's amazing. And we have. ALL of us. Ana, of course, was no surprise at how quickly my little bubbly extrovert made friends. Trenton and I both making really good friends within the first six months of being here is just barely short of a miracle. We have though, and it so wonderful!
Celebrating his 5th Birthday with his very first friend he made
A few more of his friends
Costume Practice for the Christmas play.
He was one of the wise men, I still haven't gotten over that irony!
Trenton and one of his buddies, chilling after having played...well, whatever it is that energetic little boys play!
Playing Legos at one of his favorite places with one of his favorite friends.
They love this place and these friends!
Going to see a movie with his "adopted sister" - or so he wishes. They get along about like siblings do!
I sat on the bench watching my children play. So many emotions were going through me. Fear. Sadness. Acceptance. Excitement. And guilt. I had just found out my husband was deploying and there was a part of me that was glad and I felt so guilty about that. But the past year had been so hard on me. I had such a love-hate relationship with our duty station and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want my husband to deploy but I was ready to be out of there. I was ready to have friendships. To have "girl dates." To not feel like all I was was a mom 24/7. To have people love me and support me. To not just say "let me know if you need anything" but never actually offer to do something...to actually feel like they wanted to help. I was ready to not feel isolated and alone anymore.
I look back at where I was just a year ago and feel a sadness. I don't like who I was back then. I was so dissatisfied with life; so discontent with what I had. I had so many blessings but I was too self-centered and bitter to see the beauty in the life around me. I wanted more, more, more. And, yet, I didn't appreciate what I had. I already had so much more than many people are blessed with. I had two beautiful and perfectly healthy children. I had a husband who loved me more than life itself and would do anything to make me happy...if he could only figure out what that anything was. I had the security of a steady income that, while not making us anywhere close to wealthy, paid the bills with a little left over and allowed me to be a stay at home mom.
Of course, those are not truly past tense things. I still do have all of those blessings. I've just finally come to realize that they are gifts from God, even if I didn't see it at the time. I was so blessed and yet so blind.
This last year has challenged me in ways that I could not have imagined. I've said it before and I have to say it again. I have been humbled. I'm naturally a self-centered person. But for so long I have used that as an excuse. Just been accepting of it. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be a bigger person. A better, more grateful person. One who can see the blessing in the hard times. I want to be the kind of person that I would enjoy being around.
Over and over in this last year God has been gently reminding me that He knows where I am. That He knows what I need. For the first few months after my husband deployed I stayed with my family in Wisconsin. There I was blessed with friendships I was so badly craving. That I had so sorely missed in my move to Washington state. It was like a balm to my aching spirit. To be taken in and loved and emotionally supported by more than just family. To have friends set up "play dates" and "mommy dates." To have them "drag" me in and get me involved in church activities. To have them love on my children and treat them as one of their own. It was what I had been missing and wanting so badly for more than a year. I soaked it up. And God whispered to me "See? I haven't forgotten you."
Then I spent some time in Tennessee with my in-laws. That could be another "Thankful Thursday" post all its own. I am beyond blessed with in-laws who love me like a daughter and treat me like royalty. I know that we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything but they are so supportive of me and the life my husband and I have chosen. I just can never be grateful enough for what wonderful, kind, loving people they are. Of course, it was while I was there that I got the surprise news that my husband would be home for Christmas. Once again God whispered to me "See? I know what you need."
These last five months, however, have been the most challenging (in a good way). I've spent them with my sister and her family in North Carolina. Here I have been attending a church that has blown me out of the water. I'm an MK (Missionary Kid). I've been to churches all over this country and in a couple other countries too! But I've never, in my whole entire life, been to a church like Morning Star Baptist Church. I've certainly never been around people more grateful for there salvation than they are here. And you can't attend a service without knowing that they're excited about what God has done and is doing in their lives. It's like camp meeting every service. But it's not just talk...they actually live it. They're excited because it's real to them. It's a part of their everyday lives. And I was ashamed. Ashamed that I've known the truth of the Gospel since I was a small child, ashamed that I had accepted Christ into my heart as a teenager, and have never been anywhere close to as excited as these people are. I've never been so grateful for the life that God has blessed me with - my health, my salvation, the lack of true heartache - I've never given thanks the way that they have. I've never praised Him the way they do here. I've never felt the fire the way they have. And it shames me.
It's so easy to take God's blessings for granted. Too easy, when the only life I've known is the one in church, to forget how much God has given me. God was trying so hard to teach me a lesson. He was trying so hard to tell me that He is enough. That the blessing that He has bestowed on me are enough. I have two beautiful and healthy children. I have a husband who loves me more than words could ever describe; the kind of man most women don't know even exists. A man that is more than just my husband, he is my friend. My best friend. I have the security of a steady income and good health insurance and a roof over my head. But, most importantly, I have a God who loves me. A God who sent His Son to die for me, for my sins. A God who cares about me. Who knows where I am no matter where I live. A God who provides for my needs. I'm ashamed of the blind selfishness that I have lived in most of my Christian life. And I am amazed and so thankful that He has been there through it all. That He has never given up on me. That He has loved me when I've been just a luke-warm and unfaithful Christian. And God whispered to me "See? I am all you need. Am I not enough?"
My biggest fear with leaving here is that I'll lose the fire that I have caught. That I'll forget the lessons God has taught me and once again become the ungrateful, complacent Christian that I have always been. I don't want that. Let me never lose this closeness to Him, the realization that He has blessed me beyond measure. Let me always be able to hear that still small voice whispering in my ear "I am enough."
"I'm Amazed" by the Ladies Trio at Morning Star Baptist Church
(sorry it was shaking so much...I was trying not to cry as I was filming it. And it was taken with my phone which is hard to keep steady anyways!)
It's easy to be thankful for the good things in life. Health, family, sunny days, well-behaved children. But recently I was reminded to be thankful for the harder things in life. The things that don't seem like blessings. Things that are annoyances. Things that are hurtful. Things like a deployment.
I think most military wives would be in agreement with my saying it's difficult to find things to be thankful for in a deployment. It's an emotional time. Frustrating, painful, heartbreaking, life altering; these are all words more commonly associated with deployment. Thankful and blessing are, well, just not. It's hard enough to make it through a deployment emotional intact. Thankful for it? Are you nuts?
But, oddly enough, I am. I am thankful for this deployment. It's been hard. It's been painful. It's been a life altering experience. And I am thankful for it.
Despite the pain and frustration, there are so many good things that have come out of it. Things that we, as a family, never would have gained without it. Things that really are a blessing.
Spending the year as a "vagabond" has helped my children to become friendlier and better adjusted to change. They have benefited from it not being basically just mom 24/7. And having them get to know family better is a huge, huge bonus for which I can never be grateful enough. I love the way their little faces light up when they see a beloved family member. The excitement and joy that emanates through them as they get to spend time with Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunties, Uncles, and cousins. It makes my heart so glad.
Then there's the changes in me. I have changed so much through this deployment. I have grown so much spiritually. I've been humbled and challenged in my spiritual life and it has benefited me in my personal life. It's shown me my weaknesses and help me to grow stronger. To become less dependent on my husband and more dependent on my faith in and relationship with God. Which, as odd as it may sound, is making me a better wife and a better mother. It has strengthened my relationship with my husband; made our marriage stronger.
And that, a stronger marriage, could have a post all its own. Going through this deployment has taught me to value my marriage in a way I never have before. My husband is far from perfect. He'll be the first to admit that. But he is perfect for me. And he is so far ahead of "the pack" when it comes to other men...it's impressive really. He is patient, loving, kind, faithful (ask any deployed spouse how important that is), trustworthy, hard working. The list could go on and on. He's had his bad moments but I can't help see the good in him that has come shining through in this deployment. I've come to appreciate his character more than ever.
God has been so good to me. Even in the hard times I can say that I am blessed beyond measure. I have so much to be thankful for. And because of this I can say that I am thankful for this deployment. I can also say that I'm thankful that it is almost over!
Recently I've been challenged to be more thankful. To be a more positive person. The kind of person that I would want to be around. 'Cause, let me tell ya, a lot of times I wouldn't want to hang out with me. So I've decided to do a "Thankful Thursday" post every Thursday for the month of May. And I had something wonderful, surprising, and witty to share for my first "Thankful Thursday" post for the month of May.
That is, until I jumped on Facebook this morning. For any of my Facebook friends, you may have noticed a series of postings regarding a friend of mine who was pregnant with twin boys, at not quite 19 weeks along her water broke. This morning the heartbreaking news came through my feed that her precious boys had gone home to be with Jesus. It gave me a whole different perspective on my day.
Today, I'm thankful for the two normal, healthy pregnancies that I have experienced. I'm thankful for the two healthy children that keep me constantly on my toes. I'm thankful that I've never had to mourn the loss of a child. Sometimes I feel almost guilty for these things...but I'm thankful for them, nonetheless.
Lately it's been difficult to be thankful for my children. I feel like I've been going round and round in battles with their willful personalities; letting them know in no uncertain terms that I love them but I'm the mom and the boss. And jus because I tell them "no" doesn't give them the right to throw a temper tantrum. It's been rough. And today was no different (seriously, don't they ever learn?).
But I held them a little more today. I reminded myself to look for the positives in the day and not focus on the hard parts. My son's giggles as he played with the puppies. My daughter's snuggles as she pretended she was my still my baby. Their wild imaginations that are already showing through. And then my Li'l Diva was so sweet and kissed away my tears as I wept for those babies and the parents that would go home with empty arms and broken hearts.
Not just sibling, but also friends...makes a mommy's heart glad!
Best of Friends
First visit to the Atlantic Ocean - St. Simon's Island, GA
Once again I was reminded that it was the little things, in the form of my two favorite little people, that are important. We took the time to Skype with Daddy today so he could see his babies (only two-ish months until he gets home - give or take a couple weeks!). We were all thankful for the short time we had to see each other and for the promise of being a whole family once again, very soon.
One of my biggest fears with my husband's deployment was that our two-year old Little Diva would forget her first love - her Daddy. She has always been a little Daddy's girl but two is a very young age and a short memory span. Especially with so many changes as have taken place in a very short time.
Two months into this deployment, I'm starting to think that I need not have worried. We Skype, we talk on the phone, and there are pictures of Daddy around the house. Her little face lights up when she sees her daddy on Skype and she promptly has to give the computer hugs and kisses. And when she knows that I am talking on the phone to Daddy she has to repeat "Hi, Daddy!" over and over until she gets a response. Then she gives my phone hugs and kisses. Every day my Little Diva has to give "Daddy" hugs and kisses before naptime and bedtime. This, of course, consists of the pictures that are by her bed. Every night we pray for Daddy as he is deployed that God will keep him safe. After we pray I tell her I love her to which her response is "Daddy loves me." ::tears::
Today she said "Daddy Kuwait?" I told her he was. Then she said "Ana Kuwait?" I about fell apart. She misses him so much!
Nothing was quite so endearing, though, as when she decided to carry around the picture of Daddy for a day. He even went out with us to the store and to get some supper. It made me happy and broke my heart at the same time.
I'm so thankful that she still remembers and loves her daddy. That she misses him. That she knows that he loves her. And I'm thankful that she has a daddy that is worth being loved and missed!
Most people don't know that my daughter is named after my sister (no, her name is not the Big Diva!). My sister, Christi, and I, despite the 9 year age gap, have always had a very special and close relationship. It is something that time and distance have not been able to diminish. We talk, or text, pretty much every day. We have shared clothes, stories, jewelry, food, even housing - and although we've never shared our husbands we have occasionally considered trading children!
Life in the military took us thousands of miles apart resulting in us not being able to spend as much time together as either of us would like. Couple that with the fact that my daughter is rather slow to connect with people and extremely choosy in who she shares her affection with I was a bit nervous about how quickly she would warm up to my sister when she came out to help us finish packing and make the journey to Wisconsin after my husband deployed. Much to my surprise, within the first day my daughter attached herself like a little leach to "Irsti" and she became not just the favorite aunt but her favorite person.
For the next three weeks my little diva became my sister's constant shadow. Which was a huge relief for me since it made the transition of Daddy leaving and settling it at my parents house so much easier. Now my sister has headed back to her home down south and both my little Diva and I are missing her sorely. But I'm thankful for the time that we were all able to spend together and for the relationship that they were able to build. And I'm looking forward to getting to spend some time with 'Irsti and her family in December :)
