Thursday, May 17, 2012

Thankful Thursday: He Is Enough

I sat on the bench watching my children play. So many emotions were going through me. Fear. Sadness. Acceptance. Excitement. And guilt. I had just found out my husband was deploying and there was a part of me that was glad and I felt so guilty about that. But the past year had been so hard on me. I had such a love-hate relationship with our duty station and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want my husband to deploy but I was ready to be out of there. I was ready to have friendships. To have "girl dates." To not feel like all I was was a mom 24/7. To have people love me and support me. To not just say "let me know if you need anything" but never actually offer to do actually feel like they wanted to help. I was ready to not feel isolated and alone anymore.

I look back at where I was just a year ago and feel a sadness. I don't like who I was back then. I was so dissatisfied with life; so discontent with what I had. I had so many blessings but I was too self-centered and bitter to see the beauty in the life around me. I wanted more, more, more. And, yet, I didn't appreciate what I had. I already had so much more than many people are blessed with. I had two beautiful and perfectly healthy children. I had a husband who loved me more than life itself and would do anything to make me happy...if he could only figure out what that anything was. I had the security of a steady income that, while not making us anywhere close to wealthy, paid the bills with a little left over and allowed me to be a stay at home mom.

Of course, those are not truly past tense things. I still do have all of those blessings. I've just finally come to realize that they are gifts from God, even if I didn't see it at the time. I was so blessed and yet so blind.

This last year has challenged me in ways that I could not have imagined. I've said it before and I have to say it again. I have been humbled. I'm naturally a self-centered person. But for so long I have used that as an excuse. Just been accepting of it. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be a bigger person. A better, more grateful person. One who can see the blessing in the hard times. I want to be the kind of person that I would enjoy being around.

Over and over in this last year God has been gently reminding me that He knows where I am. That He knows what I need. For the first few months after my husband deployed I stayed with my family in Wisconsin. There I was blessed with friendships I was so badly craving. That I had so sorely missed in my move to Washington state. It was like a balm to my aching spirit. To be taken in and loved and emotionally supported by more than just family. To have friends set up "play dates" and "mommy dates." To have them "drag" me in and get me involved in church activities. To have them love on my children and treat them as one of their own. It was what I had been missing and wanting so badly for more than a year. I soaked it up. And God whispered to me "See? I haven't forgotten you."

Then I spent some time in Tennessee with my in-laws. That could be another "Thankful Thursday" post all its own. I am beyond blessed with in-laws who love me like a daughter and treat me like royalty. I know that we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything but they are so supportive of me and the life my husband and I have chosen. I just can never be grateful enough for what wonderful, kind, loving people they are. Of course, it was while I was there that I got the surprise news that my husband would be home for Christmas. Once again God whispered to me "See? I know what you need."

These last five months, however, have been the most challenging (in a good way). I've spent them with my sister and her family in North Carolina. Here I have been attending a church that has blown me out of the water. I'm an MK (Missionary Kid). I've been to churches all over this country and in a couple other countries too! But I've never, in my whole entire life, been to a church like Morning Star Baptist Church. I've certainly never been around people more grateful for there salvation than they are here. And you can't attend a service without knowing that they're excited about what God has done and is doing in their lives. It's like camp meeting every service. But it's not just talk...they actually live it. They're excited because it's real to them. It's a part of their everyday lives. And I was ashamed. Ashamed that I've known the truth of the Gospel since I was a small child, ashamed that I had accepted Christ into my heart as a teenager, and have never been anywhere close to as excited as these people are. I've never been so grateful for the life that God has blessed me with - my health, my salvation, the lack of true heartache - I've never given thanks the way that they have. I've never praised Him the way they do here. I've never felt the fire the way they have. And it shames me.

It's so easy to take God's blessings for granted. Too easy, when the only life I've known is the one in church, to forget how much God has given me. God was trying so hard to teach me a lesson. He was trying so hard to tell me that He is enough. That the blessing that He has bestowed on me are enough. I have two beautiful and healthy children. I have a husband who loves me more than words could ever describe; the kind of man most women don't know even exists. A man that is more than just my husband, he is my friend. My best friend. I have the security of a steady income and good health insurance and a roof over my head. But, most importantly, I have a God who loves me. A God who sent His Son to die for me, for my sins. A God who cares about me. Who knows where I am no matter where I live. A God who provides for my needs. I'm ashamed of the blind selfishness that I have lived in most of my Christian life. And I am amazed and so thankful that He has been there through it all. That He has never given up on me. That He has loved me when I've been just a luke-warm and unfaithful Christian. And God whispered to me "See? I am all you need. Am I not enough?"

My biggest fear with leaving here is that I'll lose the fire that I have caught. That I'll forget the lessons God has taught me and once again become the ungrateful, complacent Christian that I have always been. I don't want that. Let me never lose this closeness to Him, the realization that He has blessed me beyond measure. Let me always be able to hear that still small voice whispering in my ear "I am enough."

"I'm Amazed" by the Ladies Trio at Morning Star Baptist Church
(sorry it was shaking so much...I was trying not to cry as I was filming it. And it was taken with my phone which is hard to keep steady anyways!)


  1. Loved this! Love your honesty, and I cried because I MISS you!!! Hugs and prayers

  2. Wow, this is powerful Katie!!! Thank you for sharing! God is AMAZING! Love you, Aunt Sharon

  3. You need to take those help and advice of the trainer.
    .. Diet program capsules are the waste materials of money, avoid function, and a few are usually really bad for your health.
    .. All you require in order to get rid of weight is really a brand
    new good healthy diet program plus exercise -- you may be obtaining
    plenty of physical exercise merely by fumbling: )

    my homepage: fast weight loss product

  4. Thank you so much for sharing what is on your heart. What a blessing to be reminded that God is good enough. I will be praying that God blesses you and your family, and brings ladies around you who will encourage you in your Christian walk.