Thankful Thursday: Blessings in Disguise

It's easy to be thankful for the good things in life. Health, family, sunny days, well-behaved children. But recently I was reminded to be thankful for the harder things in life. The things that don't seem like blessings. Things that are annoyances. Things that are hurtful. Things like a deployment.

I think most military wives would be in agreement with my saying it's difficult to find things to be thankful for in a deployment. It's an emotional time. Frustrating, painful, heartbreaking, life altering; these are all words more commonly associated with deployment. Thankful and blessing are, well, just not. It's hard enough to make it through a deployment emotional intact. Thankful for it? Are you nuts?

But, oddly enough, I am. I am thankful for this deployment. It's been hard. It's been painful. It's been a life altering experience. And I am thankful for it.

Despite the pain and frustration, there are so many good things that have come out of it. Things that we, as a family, never would have gained without it. Things that really are a blessing.

Spending the year as a "vagabond" has helped my children to become friendlier and better adjusted to change. They have benefited from it not being basically just mom 24/7. And having them get to know family better is a huge, huge bonus for which I can never be grateful enough. I love the way their little faces light up when they see a beloved family member. The excitement and joy that emanates through them as they get to spend time with Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunties, Uncles, and cousins. It makes my heart so glad.

Then there's the changes in me. I have changed so much through this deployment. I have grown so much spiritually. I've been humbled and challenged in my spiritual life and it has benefited me in my personal life. It's shown me my weaknesses and help me to grow stronger. To become less dependent on my husband and more dependent on my faith in and relationship with God. Which, as odd as it may sound, is making me a better wife and a better mother. It has strengthened my relationship with my husband; made our marriage stronger.

And that, a stronger marriage, could have a post all its own. Going through this deployment has taught me to value my marriage in a way I never have before. My husband is far from perfect. He'll be the first to admit that. But he is perfect for me. And he is so far ahead of "the pack" when it comes to other men...it's impressive really. He is patient, loving, kind, faithful (ask any deployed spouse how important that is), trustworthy, hard working. The list could go on and on. He's had his bad moments but I can't help see the good in him that has come shining through in this deployment. I've come to appreciate his character more than ever.

God has been so good to me. Even in the hard times I can say that I am blessed beyond measure. I have so much to be thankful for. And because of this I can say that I am thankful for this deployment. I can also say that I'm thankful that it is almost over!

I Have Been Blessed

Done...

Someone once told me that deployment is like going through pregnancy. The first few months are rough then the middle part gets much easier as you realize you're not going to die and you can do this. Then the end is super hard and feels longer than the whole rest of it put together. I'm not going to say that I didn't believe her. It's my first deployment so what do I know about it? But I didn't realize how right she was.

The final trimester of pregnancy has always been the hardest on me. I'm uncomfortable, have terrible heartburn, ready to feel like a normal person again, and REALLY ready to see the sweet little face. And it feels like it drags on. Forever. And I'm just ready to be done!

That's basically how I feel as we've entered the last "trimester" er, quarter or whatever you want to call it, of this deployment. I'm so ready to be done. My emotions have been all over the place. I want to feel like a family again. I want to feel like a whole person again. I'm ready to snuggle up with my husband and talk if we feel like talking or just sit in companionable silence. I want to see my kiddos faces light up when Daddy walks through the door. I want to cook him a meal and have him complain because I snuck sour cream or something healthy in it but eat extra helpings of it anyways because he either secretly likes it or just doesn't want me to feel too bad. I want to see the children give him slobbery kisses on his face instead of all over my computer/phone screen.

And I've had heartburn (can someone please tell my body that I'm not pregnant???). Not cool. Not cool at all.

I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it. When I see him again. When I have him home safe and in my arms, it will be worth it. This deployment has made us stronger. As individuals and as a couple. Stronger in our walk with God, stronger in our personal lives, stronger in our marriage. It has tested our love and commitment and proven that we are bigger than the miles that separate us. We are stronger than the stress of a deployment. "For better or for worse" weren't just words - they were a vow that we have stayed faithful to. And I know that it really will be worth it. We are better people, stronger people, than we were a year ago. And for that I'm grateful.

But for right now, I'm ready to be done.

Wordless Wednesday: He's HOME!!!

Just a few pics from Homecoming Day - I'll post R&R pics after he leaves. Right now I'm just enjoying time with my soldier :)

            

Seeing him for the first time

                                                                                           

First Hug!!!

Happy Tears

Not too Sure about this man claiming to be Daddy!

Holding both his kiddos




                                           

Happy to Have her Daddy!

Toys Daddy Brought Home From his layover in Ireland

THERE'S Daddy!!!

Ok, I'll let you hold me!

Daddy's Girl

Smiles

Christmas Day

I Don't Want to Miss A Thing

Yesterday will most definitely go down as one of the best days of my life. After six very long months (and this last week being long enough to qualify as three), I finally have my husband home. It was a long, hard day filled with emotional ups and downs but once my husband was in my arms again all the frustrations of the day meant nothing. The only thing that mattered was that he was home!!!!

I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who discovered they got everything on their Christmas list. Even the real pony!

My biggest concern was that the Li'l Diva wouldn't want anything to do with the daddy she hasn't seen in so long; that she would take a long time to warm up to him. All my fears were for nought! She was a bit hesitant at first ,though all smiles; within minutes she was quite happy to be in Daddy arms. For the rest of the evening she just wanted her daddy. She wanted to sit by him at the restaurant, she wanted him to change her dirty diaper (lucky for me, I've got a guy who doesn't mind being on diaper duty!), she wanted to hold his hand while he was driving. The role of "Daddy's Girl" was slipped back into as though he had only been gone for a few days and not several months. And Daddy is more tightly wrapped around her little finger than ever.

The Little Man is still not sure who this man is that is claiming to be "Daddy" (I thought he was just that man in the pictures???) but his friendly, easy going personality - and the fact that this new man is so much fun and feeds him lots of food - has made the transition an easy one.

Last night, after all the craziness of the day was over, I laid there next to sleeping husband completely exhausted but not wanting to sleep. My Soldier's time here is so short that I want to savor every moment of it. Floating through my mind were they lyrics "I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, 'cause I'll miss you babe. And I don't want to miss a thing. Even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do. I'd still miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing." The song embodied everything I felt at that moment. The sweetness. The happiness. The love. The desire to hold on tight and never let go again.

I want to remember these moments forever. The smell of him. The children's laughter. The feel of his arms around me. The smiles. The perfection of the night. For the next two weeks I plan to treasure every fleeting moment. My Christmas has come early and it is perfection.

Merry Christmas to you all and may you all have as wonderful a Christmas as mine!!!

Daddy's Girl 

Happy to be a whole family again!

P.S. More pictures to come later!!!

Daddy Picture Books Project

Before my husband deployed I asked some of my military wife friends for ideas to help my children keep daddy real, even if they don't actually remember them. I received some wonderful tips and have implemented several of them.

Scattered around the house are various pictures of Daddy, some of him in uniform and some not. We also Skype occasionally and talk on the phone frequently. I try to talk about Daddy frequently - anything I can to keep him fresh in their minds. We got them Build-A-Bears with a little voice recording inside personalized for each child (and my sweet hubby got one for me!). I bought picture dog tags personalized for my kiddos (and myself) that hang around their Build-A-Bear's necks.

The kiddos playing with their "Daddy Picture Books"

One of my favorite ideas, though, was a personalized picture book. I put it off for a while because the recommendation was to get the pictures laminated in order to hold up under the use of toddler hands. I wasn't sure where to get them laminated (and, being perfectly honest here, I didn't really put in the energy to look!).  

After much procrastination I stumbled across a laminator on sale and found myself without excuse! I ordered it, along with some laminating pouches to fit my 4X6 pictures; I used 20 pictures per book, placing them back to back which meant that I needed a total of 20 pouches. After I laminated the pictures I used a hole-punch and then stuck a key chain ring through the whole to hold it together. I'm thinking I might have to use two key chain rings per book but otherwise they are perfect. Each book contains pictures of that child with their daddy doing various activities (swinging, eating, sleeping, etc). Some are pictures of us as a family. It's absolutely perfect. Easy to make - I definitely recommend it! I'm planning on making another one of extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) to keep faces familiar :)

The Li'l Diva's "Daddy Photo Book"
(her's has a flashlight attached)

Inside

Little Man's Daddy Picture Book
(isn't this picture the sweetest thing ever???)

Inside Shot 

  

The Li'l Diva with her Daddy Photo Book

Pointing and saying "Daddy" - totally melts my heart!

Little Man with his Build-A-Bear - complete with ACU's

The Li'l Diva with her Build-A-Bear (er, uh, Monkey)
She refuses to keep it's clothes on. She has also named him "Daddy George" in honor
of her love for daddy mixed with her love for Curious George

All I Want for Christmas is You

Holidays are a big deal for me. It isn't so much about the holiday itself as it is the family time. It's about getting together and enjoying lots of food and laughs and quality time together. This past Thanksgiving I spent with my husband's side of the family. And while his parents treat me like a daughter, with the extended family I'm definitely "the wife" even after 4 1/2 years of marriage and two kids. So the family function that has always been  an awkward and uncomfortable situation when spent with his extended family was a triple reminder of how much I missed my husband. How much I wished he was home. None of this was made better by the fact that my children were sick and clingy and crabby. And very unfriendly.

It all made me realize how much I wanted my husband home for Christmas. Last year I was bemoaning the fact that the only ones I had to spend Christmas with was my husband and children...this year I would have lots of family and friends but no husband. And it was killing me. Nearly every Christmas song was just another depressor. From "I'll be Home for Christmas" to "Blue Christmas" to Michael Buble's version of "All I Want for Christmas is You." I was a veritable watering pot. It'd been over five months since I had seen my husband off to a war zone and I was ready to have him safe in my arms again. Even if just for our two week R&R.

Which made it so much worse when he called to say that the January date that he was supposed to come home on R&R wasn't going to happen. He had a required two week training which just happened to fall on the very date he was supposed to be back in the States. I was devastated. Suddenly less than two months went to over two months and no amount of positive thinking was working. I just wanted my husband. I wanted to kiss him and hold him. I wanted him next to me in bed at night. I wanted to cuddle with him on the couch. I wanted to watch him playing with our children. I wanted him home. I felt angry, depressed, sad - everything except a holiday spirit.

Then, in one phone call, everything changed. My husband called to let me know that he'd be home early...he'd be home for Christmas. Out with the anti-depression ::almost:: cure (aka chocolate) and in with the pedicures and mistletoe! My Christmas wish did come true. I've got the best Christmas Gift of all coming my way. 

This Christmas may or may not be white - to be honest, I don't really care - but it certainly won't be blue. We've got Christmas plans made, a cabin booked, and alone time scheduled. Oh, and lots of snuggle time planned. So, if you don't hear from me over Christmas and New Years...well, don't worry about me, I'm busy!

My new favorite Christmas song:

Refusing to be Humpty Dumpty

To say that I have cried about missing my husband only four or five times in the last four months sounds harsh - to say that those times that I have cried the tears lasted only a few minutes and were never a complete break down sounds even worse. But it's true. I have shed few tears over my husband's absence and those tears have been tightly controlled. Oh, I've cried a lot since he's been gone...usually in exhausted frustration dealing with the Li'l Diva. But when it comes to crying solely about how much I miss my husband, those times are few and far between.

Do I miss my husband? Absolutely. I miss him so much sometimes I feel as though I am breaking inside. And that? That is exactly the problem.

I feel a bit like Humpty Dumpty perched precariously on a rather high wall. If I fall I will shatter and not even the most ingenious or powerful will be able to put the pieces back into place. I wonder if, once I start breaking down, I'll ever be able to stop. If I'll be able to find the strength, the courage, to go on. Or will I just be a broken mess doing my best to find the pieces much less put them back together.

Last night was one of the few times I allowed myself to acknowledge the hurt. The pain of missing him. It was Friday which meant date night. Had my husband been home the children and I would have been dressed in our RED shirts, as we are every Friday, and we all would have gone out for dinner. Maybe to Taco Bell or McDonalds; we might have even splurged a little and dined at Panera Bread. Or possibly eaten at the mall. Then we would have done a little shopping. Mostly window shopping but also picking up a few necessities such as diapers and the like. Then we would have headed home making a quick stop by Redbox to pick up a movie that we had yet to see. Once we arrived home we would have played with the kiddos for a little bit then gotten them ready for bed, tucked them in, and settled on the couch to watch a movie.

Friday nights are very routine and yet very special. It is the one night that is set aside to just enjoy each other as a family. We value that. We might argue every other day of the week but almost never do we fight or bicker on a Friday. It's too sacred. Too special. It's our own mini holiday every week. A tradition we started when we married and have continued even with the changes that children and military have brought into our lives. 

Which makes Friday the hardest day of the week for me. Especially when I see the status updates of my friends enjoying their date nights. I don't wish them any ill - I'm happy that there are those out there who are able to enjoy and strengthen their marriages - I just wish I could be a part of it.

Yesterday my children and I were dressed in our RED shirts and our remembrance included my husband. Still, despite feeling a little blue, I was ok. Until something came on the news about how the returning military was struggling with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and Sean Hannity made the comment that not enough was done to honor the sacrifices of those that have served and their families.

A little bit of my protective shell cracked. And I hurt. I cried for the sacrifices we are making. The date nights that we have missed. The special occasions that my husband is unable to be here for; missing our son's first birthday, his first steps, his first words, our daughter moving to a big girl bed, the many ways she has grown up and changed. The hugs and kisses we are all missing out on. The family we will never be able to get back. 

For a few minutes I allowed myself just to miss him.

And then I pulled myself back together, patched up the crack, and closed out the memories and the pain. Refusing to allow myself to fall, to break and shatter.

I don't know how much longer I will be able to remain on my perch. So many times the stress of this deployment has caused me to wobble. Only the miracle of God's grace and my stubborn determination coupled with my fear of the results has allowed me to stay strongly put together.

But, for as long as I am able, I will stay strong. I will not allow myself, my marriage, my family to become another casualty of war. Refusing to become just another Humpty Dumpty.

One of our last date nights before my husband deployed.

Wordless Wednesday and Thankful Thursday...All In One!

One of my biggest fears with my husband's deployment was that our two-year old Little Diva would forget her first love - her Daddy. She has always been a little Daddy's girl but two is a very young age and a short memory span. Especially with so many changes as have taken place in a very short time.

Two months into this deployment, I'm starting to think that I need not have worried. We Skype, we talk on the phone, and there are pictures of Daddy around the house. Her little face lights up when she sees her daddy on Skype and she promptly has to give the computer hugs and kisses. And when she knows that I am talking on the phone to Daddy she has to repeat "Hi, Daddy!" over and over until she gets a response. Then she gives my phone hugs and kisses. Every day my Little Diva has to give "Daddy" hugs and kisses before naptime and bedtime. This, of course, consists of the pictures that are by her bed. Every night we pray for Daddy as he is deployed that God will keep him safe. After we pray I tell her I love her to which her response is "Daddy loves me."  ::tears::

Today she said "Daddy Kuwait?" I told her he was. Then she said "Ana Kuwait?" I about fell apart. She misses him so much!

Nothing was quite so endearing, though, as when she decided to carry around the picture of Daddy for a day. He even went out with us to the store and to get some supper. It made me happy and broke my heart at the same time.

I'm so thankful that she still remembers and loves her daddy. That she misses him. That she knows that he loves her. And I'm thankful that she has a daddy that is worth being loved and missed!

Daddy going for a ride with his Little Diva

Wordless Wednesday: Not Goodbye

Nearly two months ago my husband left on his first deployment. I keep telling myself that this is not "Goodbye" merely a "See you Later." It's still difficult!

Here are a few pictures of our last hour together (unfortunately I didn't think to get any of him and me)

Mr. Smiley and Daddy! (flag background done by Close at Heart)

The Little Diva and Daddy chilling at the PX

Playing with Daddy's PC while we ate our last meal together

So happy boy with no clue as to the changes that were coming

LOVE the expression on my Little Man's face!

Last Kisses

Last Hugs!

WE MISS YOU DADDY!!! Hurry home safe and soon!

RED Fridays

Today, as I have almost every Friday since sometime in 2005, I donned a red shirt. I dressed my daughter in a cute red top as well, and my son had red stripes in his outfit. The majority of people seeing us out would thinking nothing of it beyond that we all sort of matched. But for me it holds a special significance.

You see, back in 2005 I received an email encouraging all American's to wear RED on Fridays. RED standing for "Remembering Everyone Deployed." The e-mail stated that it didn't matter what you're political standing was. Or even if you agreed with the war that we found ourselves entangled in. The vast military force doesn't have a say in where they go fight or what they do. Their Commanders say go and they go. It's their duty. And they sacrifice their lives for the safety and freedom of their fellow countrymen. So, whether or not you agree with the wars, our military still needs support - morale boosters - to know that their country that they love so much they are willing to die for it is behind them. One way to do that is to wear red.

The email touched a soft spot in my heart. I've heard the stories from countless Vietnam veterans, my parents included, on how ashamed they were made to feel when they returned home. Just for doing their job. For serving their country. At the time that I received the email, I had no loved ones serving in the military. But I knew that I never wanted to make any Service Member feel ashamed for their time in service. For doing what their leaders asked of them. And so I made it a point to wear red on Fridays. (On a total side note - if you do have an issue with the wars we are in, don't picket or protest at military posts/bases. Don't aim your protests at Service Members or their families. Go picket and protest at your state capitol. Or, better yet, in Washington DC - maybe even the White House...the military has long ago ceased to be able to make their own decisions. We are now forced into wars of politics and dictated by politics. Too frequently by pansy politicians who have never served a day in military boots or on a battle field!)

::OK, rant over::

For six years now I have worn red almost every Friday. Now that my husband is not only in the US Army but  is also deployed the gesture has so much more meaning to me. I want to remember all of those deployed. All of those that have served. I want to honor them. To let their families know that I am thinking of them. To let them all know that they have my support.

Recently I came across an organization known as RedShirtFridays.org They're mission: The mission of redshirtfridays.org is to show support for our servicemen and women. We are not a political organization. We do not care whether or not one supports or does not support the war. We care only about making our support of our servicemen and women known to our fellow Americans and the world.  We are a silent majority that does not wish to remain silent anymore. We need to let our servicemen and women know we support their sacrifice and we will not forget them and we will do this by wearing red on every Friday.

I don't know a whole lot about the company but they seem to have a great organization and really want to support our troops.

It is truly selfish of me but I would love to see this spread like wildfire across America. To go out on Fridays and see an ocean of RED everywhere I look. Our troops do what is asked of them, they give up time with their families - time they can never regain - they all too often give their very lives for us. This is a simple way to honor and support them. To let them know that we, as American citizens, recognize their many sacrifices and are behind them! 

Mr. Smiley with his RED Stripes

The Little Diva with her RED Shirt and BIG bow!!!

I'm an Ingalls - It's How We Roll

One of the most frequent phrases I have heard since my husband found out he was going to deploy is "I would never be able to go without my husband for a year" or (variation) "I don't know how you do it!" And then people look at me as though I'm sort of a super human because I'm not a complete wreck with my husband being gone.

The truth is, I've never understood that sentiment. Women have been sending there husband's off to war since time immemorial. Most under conditions far worse than the situation that I am in. They would go for months, even years, hearing nothing from their husbands, raising their children and frequently having to eke out a living with no phones or computers or internet. These women were the true super heros.

For me, I'm just doing what I have to do to make it day by day. And honestly? I'm doing ok. Yes, I miss my husband like crazy; we're only a month into this and I'm already ready to be done. I have my moments that I break down and cry. Sometime if feel like throwing a crying fit to rival my daughter's - and that's really something - few people can throw a crying fit like she can! But most of the time I really am ok.

So how do I do it? Part of it is attitude. I look at it and say there is absolutely nothing I can do to change this so I might as well put on my big girl panties and deal with it. That's just life.

Part of it is being smart. (hey, STOP laughing!!!) By smart, I mean, admitting that I have limitations and knowing what those limitations are. Raising two small kids by myself in an area where I had no support group...that was a huge limitation for me. Just a few days without my husband and I turned into a complete wreck! So I am staying with family for the next year where I have an incredible support group...and built in babysitters!

Part of it is being a Christian. There is a huge amount of peace to be found in the Word of God. And a pretty powerful feeling to be found in prayer. Knowing that I have Someone that I can talk to that actually can, and does, control things? Yeah, that's pretty awesome. Learning to trust is the hard part.

But part of it is just being an Ingalls. It's something in our genes. We are sheer stubbornness and pride.We are strong. We are survivors. There is absolutely nothing that we can't do when we set our minds to it. And I see a challenge and there and I will do it because I am that strong.

Do I like it? No!

 Do I want to do it? That is a totally unqualified NO!

But I will do it. And I'll do it in a way that makes my husband as proud of me as I am of him.

I am an Army wife. I knew what is I was in for when my husband signed up for this life. And I'm an Ingalls. You just can't beat those genetics!

And This is Just the Beginning

A little over two weeks ago I said a tearful goodbye to my husband as he headed off to the Middle East for a year. Then my sister and I loaded my kiddos into my over-packed Durango to make the long trek from Washington to Wisconsin.

Day One saw us make our way through the beautiful mountain of Washington, part of Idaho and into Montana all to the tune of Curious George and my poor son's cries. By 2200 hours (that's 10 PM) we were all ready to stop for the night. I pulled off the exit into Missoula, Montana, where there were multitudes of hotels, assuming that I'd have my pick of places. Boy was I wrong!

The first stop, right off the exit, informed me they were all booked up. I thought it was strange but figured it was just some sort of conference or rally as there were several motorcycles sitting in the parking lot. Then the second place I stopped at was also completely booked - I started getting a little concerned. When the desk clerk at the third hotel informed me that they had booked their last room about an hour earlier I was about ready to cry. He very kindly informed me that, as far as he knew, it was just early 4th of July holiday traffic and, feeling a little pity for me, called around to find somewhere with a room.

Armed with my new information I headed back out to the Durango to get our room at the fourth hotel that was approximately five minutes away. Only, I took a wrong turn and five minutes turned into nearly an hour. We finally made it to our hotel, checked in, and started unloading luggage and babies. By this time it was after 2300 hours and my poor little diva, who had barely slept in the Durango, was beyond tired and having a melt down so I had my sister give her a bath while I carried things in.

Which would have been a great idea if the little diva hadn't decided to excrete the pint of strawberries that she had consumed earlier that day...in the tub! I tried to clean it up as best I could but the loose floaties plugged up the already excruciatingly slow drain. It was late enough that we decided to skip showers and just crashed for the night. The next morning a rather embarrassed me told the very understanding desk clerk about our tub mishap as I checked out.

It took us a total of four days cooped up in the cramped vehicle logging in over 30 hours of drive time to cover the nearly 2000 miles to my parents house. I'm honestly not sure who was the most excited to finally pull in that driveway but I strongly suspect it was our sore tired tooshies!!!

With all our travels the full impact of my husband's deployment wasn't really setting in. This has been helped by the fact that we have been able to talk nearly every day and even Skype a few times since my husband has internet in his room. Slowly the realization that my husband is gone is becoming a reality. Especially as I am on what was supposed to be our family vacation and I just wish he could be here with us. Already I am ready to be done with this year long journey...but I have an awesome support group in my family and I am absolutely determined to make it through this becoming a stronger and better wife. And I am so thankful for modern technology. I just can't imagine how difficult it must have been for those that went months without hearing anything from their loved ones and having only letters which crossed in the mail.

This is just the beginning of a very long journey...

A Little Skype Fun with my Husband!!!

Wordless Wednesday er, uhm...Thursday...

My friend Jennifer from Jendes Photography offered to take pictures for my husband and I before he deploys. Despite her son being in the hospital she sweetly took the time to snap some great shots for us and let me do the editing. I was going to put the pics up yesterday but between Doctor's appointments, picking up my sister at the airport, and spending some time in Seattle I just didn't get it done. So enjoy a select few some pics from our shoot :)

To see the rest of our PreDeployment Shoot check this link

(P.S. There were orginally over 300 pictures - I think I did a pretty good job of cutting them down!!!)