The One I Want When My Dreams Come True...and When They Don't.

Nine years ago I spent over half the night wide awake wondering what I was about to get myself into. Was I making the right decision? Forever is an awfully long time. I was on the verge of a panic attack and wondering if I was crazy. I wonder if I had gotten a glimpse then of what my future would hold - the military life, babies, deployment, infertility, Alaska (no, really, I have a bear skull on my WALL!!!) - if the *me* of that time would have freaked out and become The Runaway Bride. It was certainly not the calm, quiet, stable, life I had envisioned.

But I'm glad I walked down that aisle and said "I do." I don't think any glimpse into my future could have possibly shown me how happy I'd be. Not some giddy "high" happy all the time; rather a deeply contented joy. Certainly no glimpse into my future could have truly displayed how much the man I was about to marry would come to mean to me.

We've faced some very high highs and some very low lows. Some of our dreams have come true while others have fallen apart. Through it all I've become far more independent yet in it my husband and I have grown infinitely closer. I came to realize that I didn't need my husband for survival but rather I want him because my life is indescribably more happy when he's around. My happiness is not dependent on him but I find it so much easier to be happy when I am with him. I don't just love him, I really, really like him. I like to be around him, to be with him. To laugh and to cry with him, to be silly and serious with him. He pushes me to grow, try new things, and become a better version of myself. He loves me when I'm being unlovable. He know how to make me madder than a hot pepper and how to make me swoon like a fainting goat. He's my Spirit of Adventure. He's not just my lover, he's my best friend. Even after 9 years of marriage he still gives me butterflies.

He's the one I want by my side when my dream's come true...and he's the one I want by my side when the don't.

Throwback Thursday: The Cry That Broke Momma's Heart

April is "the month of the military child" and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not really sure what that means. Military child "appreciation" month? Military child recognition month? I have no clue. It usually passes virtually unnoticed. We made it over half-way through the month before I remembered. I initially shrugged it off until I was going through some old facebook posts and ran across one I'd almost completely (but not quite) forgotten about. I wrote it shortly after we had PCSd (military lingo for moved to a new location) to Alaska. The first couple months up here were a bit of a doozy for all of us, both physically and emotionally. And, as if adjusting to a new location weren't bad enough, October rolled around and Congress decided to play chicken with balancing the budget. Again. And, again, that meant because they couldn't balance the budget that military pay was threatened until they could reach an agreement. Before this gets to political I'd like to point out that both parties are responsible for this - it's like Social Security and military pay are their bargaining chips. The uproar would be enormous if the military didn't get paid (thankfully our bank has our back even if our government doesn't) so instead of protecting that pay, which has been proposed more than once, they use it as a tool. It never ceases to tick me off. So there you have a little background as to what was going in our lives and minds when I wrote this post.



October 2, 2015

 "Last night I came in the room to find my son sobbing on his bed after bedtime.
  ' What's wrong?' I asked, fully expecting him to be upset about the music he was listening to or a missing stuffed animal, the blankets not being just right, or some such silliness that plagues the lives of small children. Instead my heart nearly broke when he whimpered, 'I want to go back to Tennessee. I miss my friends.'
  'I'm so sorry honey, I know it's hard.' I comforted.
  'No one here likes me, Mom, they all like Ana better!' And my heart broke a little more.
  Trenton is my 'hard to love' child...he's as cute as a button and momma's little snuggle bug but he tends to be extremely shy and standoffish with people he doesn't know. And he practically lives to shock and aggravate others. compared to his social butterfly sister he always comes up short. And as many times as I've reminded him that in order to have friends he has to be friendly, I think a part of his 5 year old little self just feels like it's too much of a struggle and that he just can't measure up to his sister. And underneath that tough, loner exterior he's truly a sweet and very sensitive child.
  So I asked him about the new friends he's made here and whether or not some of them liked him...he nodded a tearful 'yes' then followed that up with 'I just really miss my old friends.'
  I cuddled him on his bed and stroked his cheek while he fell asleep, promising that sleep would make it not hurt quite so much. But my heart has still not quite quit hurting for my baby boy. And it makes me angry with the flippancy that we, as a military family, get treated by those that should be most on our side. Our government is threatening our pay once again because they can't manage to balance the budget and rather than protect military pay (which has been proposed more than once) they use us as pawns. They say they pay us too much but force us to uproot our lives every 2-4 years sending us nearly anywhere on the globe of their choosing. No amount of money could ever compensate of having to comfort my hurting child or the amount of family time that we have missed and will continue to miss. When we're talking over $2,000 just for roundtrip airline tickets for a family of 4 to do down to the Lower 48, that makes seeing family a near impossibility for the next few years...but you're going to say we are paid too much? That we're overly entitled and money is being wasted on us? I'll be the first to say that there is a lot of waste in the Army but it's not being wasted in our pay...not with the sacrifices they are asking us to make. And to anyone that believes that it is being wasted on my family, say that to my face while I cuddle my children who are missing their friends and family after their whole little lives have been turned upside down again and while my husband does his duty for the sake of their freedom."


I still feel as passionately now as I did back then. The moves are hard on all of us. The uprooting, the changes, not being able to see family. My husband has missed the birth of one of his children, multiple birthdays, two anniversaries, and several holidays - and honestly, most of that is ok...it just goes with military life.

And we actually do enjoy the military life for the most part. It has it's drawbacks but it has it's really good points too. My husband thrives at his job; it's difficult and sometimes very emotionally taxing, but he's good at it. He's proud of what he does and so am I. We've been some great places and made some amazing, life-long friendships that we wouldn't have had it not been for these moves. It's forced me out of my comfort zone and made me a stronger, better person. So, yes, it is hard, but it's not all bad!

Leaving our friends behind is really difficult but gaining new ones? That's amazing. And we have. ALL of us. Ana, of course, was no surprise at how quickly my little bubbly extrovert made friends. Trenton and I both making really good friends within the first six months of being here is just barely short of a miracle. We have though, and it so wonderful!

Celebrating his 5th Birthday with his very first friend he made

A few more of his friends
Costume Practice for the Christmas play.
He was one of the wise men, I still haven't gotten over that irony!

Trenton and one of his buddies, chilling after having played...well, whatever it is that energetic little boys play!

Playing Legos at one of his favorite places with one of his favorite friends.

They love this place and these friends!

Going to see a movie with his "adopted sister" - or so he wishes. They get along about like siblings do!

Something To Talk About

It's been almost 3 years since the last time I posted. I've sat down to post at least a dozen times. I'll start typing but it just has never felt right. I've never been able to quite gather my thoughts enough to post them. And the longer I went without blogging the more difficult it's been to pick it up and start again. So much has changed; we've been through our share of ups and downs, multiple moves, loss, many new adventures, way too much to name in one little blog post. Some of my highest highs and lowest lows I've experienced over the last three years.

The last time I blogged my husband was just over a month away from coming home from a year long deployment. For the very few possible followers that I may have that are not also Facebook friends, I'd like to report that he did make it home safely. I'm fairly certain I've never been quite so happy as I was seeing his face for the first time in months at that Homecoming Ceremony. It was torture to have him so close but have to wait to just touch him, to hug and kiss him, while they did all the ceremonial procedures. Having him home was amazing; reintegration was a bit of a beast but we worked through. I am not a woman of few words so we'll save that story for another day. For now let's suffice it to say that those struggles and our "fight for our family" attitude made us stronger as a family.

When my husband came home we were stationed in Washington State. From there we went to Ft. Campbell, KY...a much desired duty station as his family lives just a few hours away. While there we began our homeschool journey which I have loved far more than I thought I would! And we bought a house and began renovations. Nothing super major (unless you consider completely gutting and refinishing a bathroom major) but we had lots of goals. Again, more stories for another day. We loved our little house and it's location.

And then we got the news...a good two years before we expected to PCS (Permanent Change of Station, which basically means a really big move, for those not savvy in military lingo) we found out that we were going to PCS. To Fort Wainwright, Alaska. Near the "large" thriving metropolis of Fairbanks. I didn't even know Ft. Wainwright or Fairbanks existed before we got those orders. I'm gonna be honest here and admit that I cried. As a matter of fact, I spent the rest of the day crying. I had lots of places I wanted to be stationed, Alaska was not on that list. Fairbanks, 6+ hours north of Anchorage and 6ish hours south of the Arctic Circle (SAY WHAT??????), did not come anywhere close to being on my list of desired places to live. I'm pretty sure, had I known of it's existence, it would have been on my "where I never want to live" list. Within 24 hours I made the decision that I was going to look at this as an extended vacation opportunity; the adventure of a life time. We were going to be living in North Pole! Not the actual North Pole, of course, but still, North Pole!!! How cool is that? There were a lot of really supportive people and a lot of negative Nelly's about our move and there were a few times where my "this'll be fun" attitude deserted me for a "I cannot move that far away from my family and everyone I love" attitude. But this Army Life with all it's moves is the life we chose and that means sometimes making the best of a hard situation...as the unofficial Army motto goes "Embrace the Suck." So I did.

The journey up was an adventure in itself - so many stories, so little time - but we finally made it all together and in one piece. Alaska was not particularly kind to us our first month here but it has more than made up for it in the convening months. By November my father jokingly accused me of being a living advertisement for Alaska. The shopping leaves a little to be desired but the other perks of the locale more than make up for it. A mama moose and her two babies in our backyard...way cool. The food - moose, elk, caribou, Alaskan king salmon, halibut - all absolutely delicious. And for a gal that has always hated winter, these winters have made me fall in love with this place. The winters here can be frigid but the winter landscape often makes me feel like I'm living in a postcard and the view of the sunrises and sunsets with the mountains from our back window is beyond gorgeous. The winter nights are long (and really mess with sleep patterns) but getting to see the Aurora Borealis for the very first time? Spectacular! Words could never describe the beauty and absolute awe I felt seeing them dance across the sky. Better yet, we welcomed the New Year in with Fireworks set to the backdrop of the Aurora Borealis making for the best light show ever. In all the history of New Years celebrations that I have been a part of, I have never, ever experienced a better one. I was literally in awe.

We are less than three weeks away from being in Alaska for 6 months. For the first time we've got a duty station that is actually making us want to stay and plant roots. I don't know that we will (it's way too soon to be making those decisions) but the fact that we are even considering it is kind of crazy. All I know is this place has stolen my heart and I want to share it. After nearly three years of not blogging I've finally found something that has motivated me to write again. Something to break through that writer's block barrier. Something that I have to share.

So, welcome to Alaska, dear readers. I hope you enjoy the journey as we endeavor to share our adventures with you.

Welcome to Alaska!

Meeting Santa at his "workshop" in North Pole

Neighborhood Moose Family

First Snow!!!!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!!!!

The Aurora Borealis as seen from our street

Thankful Thursday: Blessings in Disguise

It's easy to be thankful for the good things in life. Health, family, sunny days, well-behaved children. But recently I was reminded to be thankful for the harder things in life. The things that don't seem like blessings. Things that are annoyances. Things that are hurtful. Things like a deployment.

I think most military wives would be in agreement with my saying it's difficult to find things to be thankful for in a deployment. It's an emotional time. Frustrating, painful, heartbreaking, life altering; these are all words more commonly associated with deployment. Thankful and blessing are, well, just not. It's hard enough to make it through a deployment emotional intact. Thankful for it? Are you nuts?

But, oddly enough, I am. I am thankful for this deployment. It's been hard. It's been painful. It's been a life altering experience. And I am thankful for it.

Despite the pain and frustration, there are so many good things that have come out of it. Things that we, as a family, never would have gained without it. Things that really are a blessing.

Spending the year as a "vagabond" has helped my children to become friendlier and better adjusted to change. They have benefited from it not being basically just mom 24/7. And having them get to know family better is a huge, huge bonus for which I can never be grateful enough. I love the way their little faces light up when they see a beloved family member. The excitement and joy that emanates through them as they get to spend time with Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunties, Uncles, and cousins. It makes my heart so glad.

Then there's the changes in me. I have changed so much through this deployment. I have grown so much spiritually. I've been humbled and challenged in my spiritual life and it has benefited me in my personal life. It's shown me my weaknesses and help me to grow stronger. To become less dependent on my husband and more dependent on my faith in and relationship with God. Which, as odd as it may sound, is making me a better wife and a better mother. It has strengthened my relationship with my husband; made our marriage stronger.

And that, a stronger marriage, could have a post all its own. Going through this deployment has taught me to value my marriage in a way I never have before. My husband is far from perfect. He'll be the first to admit that. But he is perfect for me. And he is so far ahead of "the pack" when it comes to other men...it's impressive really. He is patient, loving, kind, faithful (ask any deployed spouse how important that is), trustworthy, hard working. The list could go on and on. He's had his bad moments but I can't help see the good in him that has come shining through in this deployment. I've come to appreciate his character more than ever.

God has been so good to me. Even in the hard times I can say that I am blessed beyond measure. I have so much to be thankful for. And because of this I can say that I am thankful for this deployment. I can also say that I'm thankful that it is almost over!

I Have Been Blessed

RED Fridays

Today, as I have almost every Friday since sometime in 2005, I donned a red shirt. I dressed my daughter in a cute red top as well, and my son had red stripes in his outfit. The majority of people seeing us out would thinking nothing of it beyond that we all sort of matched. But for me it holds a special significance.

You see, back in 2005 I received an email encouraging all American's to wear RED on Fridays. RED standing for "Remembering Everyone Deployed." The e-mail stated that it didn't matter what you're political standing was. Or even if you agreed with the war that we found ourselves entangled in. The vast military force doesn't have a say in where they go fight or what they do. Their Commanders say go and they go. It's their duty. And they sacrifice their lives for the safety and freedom of their fellow countrymen. So, whether or not you agree with the wars, our military still needs support - morale boosters - to know that their country that they love so much they are willing to die for it is behind them. One way to do that is to wear red.

The email touched a soft spot in my heart. I've heard the stories from countless Vietnam veterans, my parents included, on how ashamed they were made to feel when they returned home. Just for doing their job. For serving their country. At the time that I received the email, I had no loved ones serving in the military. But I knew that I never wanted to make any Service Member feel ashamed for their time in service. For doing what their leaders asked of them. And so I made it a point to wear red on Fridays. (On a total side note - if you do have an issue with the wars we are in, don't picket or protest at military posts/bases. Don't aim your protests at Service Members or their families. Go picket and protest at your state capitol. Or, better yet, in Washington DC - maybe even the White House...the military has long ago ceased to be able to make their own decisions. We are now forced into wars of politics and dictated by politics. Too frequently by pansy politicians who have never served a day in military boots or on a battle field!)

::OK, rant over::

For six years now I have worn red almost every Friday. Now that my husband is not only in the US Army but  is also deployed the gesture has so much more meaning to me. I want to remember all of those deployed. All of those that have served. I want to honor them. To let their families know that I am thinking of them. To let them all know that they have my support.

Recently I came across an organization known as RedShirtFridays.org They're mission: The mission of redshirtfridays.org is to show support for our servicemen and women. We are not a political organization. We do not care whether or not one supports or does not support the war. We care only about making our support of our servicemen and women known to our fellow Americans and the world.  We are a silent majority that does not wish to remain silent anymore. We need to let our servicemen and women know we support their sacrifice and we will not forget them and we will do this by wearing red on every Friday.

I don't know a whole lot about the company but they seem to have a great organization and really want to support our troops.

It is truly selfish of me but I would love to see this spread like wildfire across America. To go out on Fridays and see an ocean of RED everywhere I look. Our troops do what is asked of them, they give up time with their families - time they can never regain - they all too often give their very lives for us. This is a simple way to honor and support them. To let them know that we, as American citizens, recognize their many sacrifices and are behind them! 

Mr. Smiley with his RED Stripes

The Little Diva with her RED Shirt and BIG bow!!!

Wordless Wednesday er, uhm...Thursday...

My friend Jennifer from Jendes Photography offered to take pictures for my husband and I before he deploys. Despite her son being in the hospital she sweetly took the time to snap some great shots for us and let me do the editing. I was going to put the pics up yesterday but between Doctor's appointments, picking up my sister at the airport, and spending some time in Seattle I just didn't get it done. So enjoy a select few some pics from our shoot :)

To see the rest of our PreDeployment Shoot check this link

(P.S. There were orginally over 300 pictures - I think I did a pretty good job of cutting them down!!!)

My Military Vow

Thursday marked four years since the day that I said "I do" to the love of my life. When we entered into wedded bliss I knew he had a desire to join the military but there was nothing in the plans. It just wasn't a reality in our lives. But God had other plans for us and now I am preparing for a year long separation as my husband deploys.

At a beautiful wedding that I recently was a part of, the bride and groom wrote their own vows to read to each other. I thought it was very sweet and touching...and it got me to thinking about the vows that I had said to my husband. And how much our life circumstances have changed since that day.

Those vows are as sacred to me now as they were the day that I said them. And when I said "I do" it really did mean forever to me...I'm a thick 'n thin kind of gal, loyal and faithful like a trusty old dog (whatever that says about me!). My marriage was not something that I entered into lightly or in a rush - I thought long and hard about it before the wedding day because I knew that it would be a life long commitment to work hard at.  My husband knows all this. And he trusts me implicitly. But, in light of the changes that life has brought our way, I wanted to do something special to let him know that I feel more strongly about our marriage, about our family, about him, than ever.

So I wrote a vow renewal of sorts to him. I guess you could say that it is the "military clause" of our vows.

~ MY MILITARY VOW ~

16 June 2011

"On our wedding day I made a solemn vow. I promised to love, honor and cherish you. I promised to be faithful. To stay with you no matter what life threw at us - sickness, poverty, heartache...and for these years I have remained faithful to my vows. I have not always been the perfect wife. There have been days that I have let you down, said hurtful things, been selfish. I have not always been very good at showing my love to you. But always I have loved you. Always I have been faithful to you.  

With you by my side, I have grown so much. We have changed and transformed together. We have endured together, laughed and cried together. We have started a beautiful family together. Life definitely has sent us some surprising turns. When I said my vows I did not foresee a future that would require long separations and the hardships of military life. So today, on the occasion of our anniversary, I would like to add to my vows.

I promise to follow you wherever you may go and if I cannot physically do so, know that in my heart I am with you. Those times that I am not able to physically be with you I promise to wait for you, always, praying for your quick and safe return. I promise to protect your heart by remaining faithful and loving and supportive of you. I promise to do all that is in my power to make you as proud of me as I am of you. I promise to protect and honor your name and your service. I promise to be understanding that you have not chosen duty over love but that you are doing your duty to show your love - that you are doing all that you can to protect our family. I promise to continue to instill our Christian values, principals and goals that we have made for our children and to impart to them, as much as is in my ability, an understanding of your love for them. 

You are my best friend, my soul mate, my soldier, my husband, my hero, the keeper of my heart and this is my military vow to you."

16 June 2007 

~ We may not always be together but we are never apart 

For I keep you always close in my heart ~

Wordless Wednesday...with Words

So, I love Wordless Wednesday...unfortunately, I have a penchant for words; I will, however, try to keep this from getting to wordy. BTW- this was supposed go up last Wednesday. But my husband is on block leave and spending time with him was just a tad more important than blogging. Ok, maybe more than just a tad!

Jeremiah and I on our date, taking a moment to remember the Heroes who made it possible!

(Just consider this a preface for Wordless Wednesday) Memorial Day this year turned into "Date Day" for my husband and me. Our third CHILDLESS date in nearly nine months. I could not, despite my excitement, forget the import of the day. Both of my Grandpas as well as my parents served in the military. So many Service Members have given their lives for us to enjoy a day that most spend grilling out and shopping or just spending family time (not that any of those things are bad) that I felt a need to take time to remember them, to honor them.

We came across this incredible exhibit put on by Clover Park High School in Lakewood, WA. They recreated the Arlington National Cemetery using white sticks that had handwritten names of some of the heroes that have lost their lives serving our Country. It was touching and heartbreaking at the same time. It made me proud to be a part of this community, to have the heritage that I have, to have a husband who is currently serving - just to be an American. I wish every High School would do the same. I think it could have a huge impact on our country for so many to see the life sacrifices that have been made.

But, enough of my wordiness...let the pictures tell their own story!

The Arlington Cemetery Project: Honoring America's Fallen (Operation Iraqi Freedom & Enduring Freedom)

There were several that had flowers

It was very meticulously set up

A broader view...there are over 2000 fallen heroes honored here!

~ This one speaks for itself ~

(p.s. please read the article in the hyperlink above as well - just make sure you have a kleenex...or two!)

Reality - Check

Lately I've been making a lot of mental lists of things that I need to do. With two kids under the age of two I should probably be making physical lists...but I can't find my notebook (mental note - buy notebook). Knowing that I am going to be moving in a month makes things a little more stressful - and the lists more necessary. Unfortunately, most of the stuff on my list is still sitting there undone. It goes something like this:

• Fold Laundry - Check
• Wash Laundry - Check...oh, wait... there's already another load???
• Fold More Laundry - how about just piling them on the chair for now?
• Get Clothes out of dryer - (hmm, if I don't do that one I won't have to fold it!)
• Pack things that I won't need before move - (but, I can't pack that because I might use it!)
• Sort through clothes to decide what to take and what to pack into storage - Or not 
• List things we don't want to put in storage on Craigslist and Lewis Yard Sales - Check
• Make grocery list and two week meal plan - Check
• Call TriCare - that can definitely wait
• Set up 2 year appt for Ana - Check
• Talk to housing about leave date - Check
• Face Reality - Check (wait! I don't remember putting that on my list!)

Last night, after Jeremiah talked to housing about a move out date, it hit me. Approximately one month from now I will be headed for Wisconsin...husbandless. No matter how much I sweeten it with "I'm going to be spending the next year with family that I rarely get to see" it still hurts. Since I first heard the news that Jeremiah is deploying I've barely shed a tear. Some part of me has been refusing to face the reality that he's going to be gone.

But as our house has slowly emptied out of furniture that we have sold it's becoming harder and harder to ignore the obvious.

Last night it hit me full force. It felt like a physical hurt deep in my chest. And the tears came.

Watching my daughter snuggle with her daddy last night - grabbing a blanket and asking to "cuddle" then giving him kisses - makes it even harder. How do you explain to a two year old why Daddy isn't coming home? She is a total Daddy's girl and cries when he just leaves for work. He is her favorite play mate; her very best friend. She's going to be so lost without him for a whole year.

How do we fit a whole year's worth of family time into the month that we have left?

So here's my list for this weekend...

• Put off everything on my to-do list except for good quality family time - Check (especially if that means no laundry!!!!)

Daddy and the Diva playing under the blanket

                                           

Our Family on Easter Sunday

Trenton and Daddy!

Careless Talk Got There First...

Operational Security (aka OPSEC). I mentioned it in an earlier post. At one time OPSEC was a way of life for the American people. Those were very different days. Days when it usually took hours or even days before the whole world knew when a celebrity had their latest melt down, or the newest hit song came out. Days when instant gratification wasn't common and people believed that "good things come to those who wait."

Days when a person's safety was more important than everyone else's "right" to know what was happening. Days when the military was run by seasoned veterans and not dictated by pansy politicians who have never even donned a uniform much less served in a war. Days when the media understood the difference between a sensational story and the importance of a mission. Days when you would be considered a traitor for "leaking" information that would potentially put the lives of American Troops in danger. Days when the military uniform and the American flag were respected by the mass public. Ah, but those are all separate rants.

Nevertheless, some of the mottos that they had during both the World War I and World War II eras are still true. They said, and believed, things like "Loose lips sink ships" and "The battle-wise infantryman is careful about what he says and writes, how about you?" and "If you tell where he is going he may never get there." Back in those days OPSEC was something that the general public knew about and understood...but, then again, most of them had a family member in the war.

War, however ill-liked it may be, is still a part of the America we live in; but fewer people (if you look at the overall ratio) are called upon to serve. And, thus, fewer people understand the importance of OPSEC. But in this age of instant information via live TV and the internet it is more vital than ever.

As an army wife about to go through my first deployment I take this very seriously. One of my biggest fears is my husband coming home in a box...and having to raise my children on my own. I can't even begin to recount the number of nightmares I've had about that very thing since my husband joined the Army. This is no trifling matter to me. So here is my general run down of OPSEC.

What is it? Boiled down, it is keeping all "potential adversaries" in the dark. Making sure that they don't know about our capabilities and specific intentions (and often even general intentions) by safe-guarding all information that gives evidence of our planning and execution of sensitive activities. It protects our operations being planned, in progress, and completed. Military (and other Departments of Defense Agencies) success is depends on secrecy and surprise.

What most people don't understand is that even though something may not be a secret persay it can still be critical information. Examples of this are details about times and dates of a units deployment; references to problems with a units morale and security issues (any weak points that the unit may have); details concerning security procedures, etc. These are things that I will be extremely careful about sharing. Especially on a forum as public and unsecured as a blog. What may seem insignificant to the reader (and even myself) may be the missing piece of a puzzle for someone who wishes to do our troops harm.

What can I do? Here are a few things - DO NOT discuss:

 Current and future operations
 Travel Itineraries
 Operational Planning Information
 Readiness Status
 Building Plans
 General Morale
 Anything to do with the Mission, Equipment, Time Frame, or Destinations.


Our troops really are counting on you! 






I understand that most of those asking questions have only the best intentions at heart. They want to know specifics so that they can better pray for our family. But there are certain things that just are better left unsaid. On the internet and over "open air waves" you really never know who's listening or watching. It gives a whole knew meaning to "Too Much Information!"

For those of you who are out there with those good intentions, I will try to share as much information as I can without feeling like what I am saying may put my husband and those serving with him in jeopardy (following the "when in doubt, don't" philosophy). Thank you for understanding!!!

  "Even minutiae should have a place in our collection, 

for things of a seemingly trifling nature, when 

enjoined with others of a more serious cast, may lead
to valuable conclusion."
              — George Washington, known OPSEC practitioner

Praying that this is never our family!

For more detailed information about OPSEC please check out this link.

***Images are from World War II Poster Collection from the Northwestern University Library***

Ding Dong The Witch is Dead...

I was on Facebook when the news started trickling out - Osama Bin Laden was dead. There were varying degrees of shock, celebration and patriotic pride and just a touch of fear. I think my emotions ran the gamut.

Over the last couple days I've been watching the status updates. From the conspiracy theorists, who claim that Osama is either not dead or has been dead since 2002, to the critics who are wondering why everyone is celebrating a death to the celebrators who are thrilled that this evil man is finally dead.

And then there have been the status updates that surprised me: Bin Laden is dead lets bring the troops home. Some of this is coming from military wives! Really?

I'll be honest and admit that internally I did a little happy dance to "Ding Dong the witch is dead" when I heard the news. Bin Laden was an evil man that caused an untold amount of heartache to thousands of Americans. He is responsible for so many deaths.

Would I have rather he accepted Christ and become a changed man? Yes.

But he didn't. And as Proverbs 11:10 states "When it goeth well with the righteous, the city rejoiceth: and when the wicked perish, [there is] shouting." Yes, that includes me. And I'm not going to be ashamed of it.

I'm also enough of a realist to understand that this was merely a small victory and hardly the end of the war. It's a moral booster for the American people - for the troops - but little more. The only way this affects my husband's deployment is to make it slightly more dangerous for him in the threat of retaliation. And that is a very real concern.

Killing Osama stops the war no more than cutting the tail of a rattlesnake kills the snake. To borrow the status update from my friend Limatunes "This whole "Bin Laden is Dead" thing reminds me a lot of the movie The Kingdom. At the end the one FBI agent asks another what he said to calm his colleague and he recalls telling her, "We're going to kill them all." Then later you see an Arab boy grieving over his dead terrorist father and to comfort him another man tells him, "We're going to kill them all." This isn't over.... not by a LONG shot"  I think she hit the nail on head with that one. He was a leader in this terrible war - but not the one solely behind it. These terrorists are not motivated be a person but by a deep seated ideal. Few things are so difficult to kill as this type of ideal.

As an Army wife I am more concerned than ever. Already the threat levels have been raised on all military posts (and I'm guessing all government related facilities as well as airports, etc.). Operational Security (OPSEC) and Personal Security (PERSEC) are going to be even more vital now. Please be understanding if I don't answer when my husband is deploying, what unit he is with, where he is going, and when he is returning. This is too public of a forum and "Loose lips sink ships." I have no desire to compromise my husband and his Unit's security even to the most innocent of people. (I'll go more in depth on all of that in another blog).

Today I am celebrating the death of a wicked man, I am mourning the loss of a soul, and I am praying for the safety of my husband and all Service Members in this time of war!

Life as We Know It

I sat on the playground bench soaking up the sunshine and snapping pictures of my son who was smiling at me from his seat in the stroller and my daughter who was happily playing on the playground equipment. It hit me, as I made faces at my son making him laugh, that I was happy. Really happy. For the first time in a long time I had made it through a whole week of being happy.

Oh, the ironies.

For the past five months I've struggled with depression. I'd go for days not even wanting to get out of bed - doing only what was necessary to take care of the well being of my children but little more. Feeling a sadness that was overwhelming in intensity.

Maybe it was a side affect of the birth control. Maybe it was a case of the baby blues. Maybe it's the long dreary days accompanied by weather too cold for me to want to go out even on the sunny days. Maybe it was missing the close companionship of my family and friends who all live so far away. Maybe it was the utter lack of emotional support (other than that of my husband) that I have so badly needed. Maybe it was a mixture of some or all of those things.

I honestly don't know why the depression hit me so hard. I'm not sure that the reason really matters.

The fact is, the depression has been here dragging me through a vicious cycle. Making me feel so tired that I don't want to do even the most simple tasks much less keeping up with all the household duties. The neglect of the housework made me feel like a terrible wife which made me feel even more depressed. My state of constant depression, despite how understanding and supportive my amazing husband has been, has taken a toll on my marriage. I saw it but felt helpless to do anything. Which made me feel more depressed.

A little over a week ago my husband told me that he was being moved to a new unit and would be deploying sometime this summer. No matter how hard you try to prepare for this moment it still hits you like a ton of bricks. I alternated between shock, tears and denial.

The day after my husband broke the news to me I was supposed to go to a lunch for some of the other Paralegal Army Wives...I didn't want to go but my husband insisted and practically pushed me out the door.

I'm so glad he did!

I had a great time and for the first time in a long time felt like I had people that understood what I was going through and really cared. I stayed for a good two hours longer than I had intended. A few days later I got together with one of the other gals who's husband is in the unit that my husband has just been transferred to. We met at the playground and sat and chatted while our kids played. It was wonderful. She's been an Army wife for longer than I have, although she's only a couple years older than me, and has survived two deployments. Between the lunch on Saturday and the get together on Thursday, I found my spirits were greatly lifted.

On Saturday, as I sat enjoying a sunny beautiful day I realized I had made it through a whole week without the too familiar cloud of depression. Yes, I've had some tough moments - it's impossible not to when you realize that the love of your life is going to be gone for at least a year. But I'm not feeling depressed. It's nice.

I think God knows how much my husband and I need some good quality time filled with happy memories before he deploys. Life as we know it is about to change so much and we are doing what we can to get ready for it. We've been taking lots of pictures and videos to capture those precious memories. Trying to plan ahead. I'm thankful that there has been no depression to make this time more difficult! My mindset has changed so much - now, I just want to capture every moment. Each cuddle, each hug, each kiss seems so much more special. I want to remember them all. They are such precious treasures too easily taken for granted. Watching my children cuddle and play with their daddy is so bittersweet...I just want a "pause" button!

Life has already started changing...we're selling things we don't want to put in storage for a year. The kids have picked up on some of it and have become more clingy. Which makes it a little difficult at times but kind of nice for Jeremiah as they are extra cuddly with him. Sometime in late June or early July I'll be headed to Wisconsin then Tennessee then North Carolina on my own little "deployment" while my husband is deployed. It's a lot of big changes for us as a family. And, yes, I plan to keep myself busy and surrounded by family and friends but still staying in contact with other Army wives that know what I'm going through.

I'd appreciate advice from those who have gone through this already...and lots and lots of prayers. The full import of this is slowly starting to sink in but I don't think any of us really know the impact this will have on our lives...so please, please, please pray for us!!!

They Said Thank You

*Life has been a little crazy lately so I haven't had a chance to do much in the way of writing. Here is an old (slightly edited) note that I posted on facebook a while back and wanted to share :)


September 2, 2009


I sat rocking our fussy baby girl  in the baggage claim area of the airport waiting for my husband to get the last piece of his luggage so we could go home for the short 30 hours we had. A man walked up and shook my husbands hand and even though I was to far away to hear what he was saying I could tell that he was thanking him for his service in the military. It made me proud. He had obviously seen Jeremiah and I together before the baggage started coming through for, as he was walking away, he walked past me nodded and said "Thank You." Two simple words. No smile accompanied them but there was a sincerity there; an acknowledgment of the sacrifices that I had put in as well. They are words that I will not soon forget.

"Except the Lord build the house they labor in vain that build it"

I come from a home where the military is well respected, as it should be. Both my parents had fathers that served. One for just a few years in the Navy and the other as career Army. Both my parents served in the Army as well (and thank goodness for it because that is where they met!). Although no one was in the service by the time I came along, I am no stranger to the ups and downs of military life. I listened with rapt attention to the stories that my mother and grandmother told and the few I could weasel out of my father. I learned very quickly that life as a soldier's wife or as a military brat, while being honorable, was not an easy lifestyle. There were good lessons to be learned...lessons that I was happy just hearing about and had no desire to experience for myself.

The truth is, I never dreamed that I would one day find myself as a soldier's wife. I'd heard enough stories to know that it demands as much, if not more, strength and sacrifice out of the family as it does out of the soldier. Especially in wartime. And yet, here I stand - a soldier's wife.

I have yet to experience having my husband deployed. That is one sacrifice that I am not looking forward to. Even knowing that my husband's MOS will more than likely put him in a green zone, there is still the fear that he could very well come back home in a box. This war is far from over and the Middle East is still proving to be a deadly place for soldiers. Despite not having to have made the deployment sacrifice, my sacrifices have already started. 

It's been nearly six months since the day that I drove away from the MEPS building where my husband was about to leave for his basic training. I still remember the tears streaming down my face as I talked to my sister over the phone; I was trying so hard to be strong when all I wanted to do was fall apart. I've spent more nights than I can keep track of up watching tv or reading a book or playing around on the internet because I didn't want to slip into an empty bed and face the tears that I knew would come. So I'd push myself to exhaustion staying up until two or even three am (being in my third trimester got me tired alot sooner than normal!) before going to bed. I made the sacrifice of learning lonely.

Spending the last trimester of my pregnancy alone was certainly no cake walk either. My sisters could both tell stories on me of the times that I called in tears of frustration between the emotions that I didn't know what to do with and the sheer exhaustion that comes with carrying around an extra 35 pounds and having no one there to help. It didn't help that I had a "slight" mouse issue (between my parents and me, we caught over 30 mice that had decided to keep me company....yuck!) which left my kitchen a constant mess. I have rarely been so thankful for anything as I was when I saw my parents pull into the driveway and knew that I would no longer be alone for (what turned out to be) the next 2 1/2 months. 

Then there was the delivery...now I'm not complaining; less than four hours of hard labor (including the pushing) was perhaps God's way of saying that He knew He had put me trough an awful lot so He was going to make this a little easier for me. But, oh, how I wish Jeremiah could have been there for it. I wish I could have shared the memories of those first precious hours with him...holding her for the first time, kissing her precious face, counting her fingers and toes, watching her sleep. the 1st baby is a special something that you can never do over again. A sacrifice that we both had to make. Watching him try to figure out what to do with his hands the first time we Skyped was heartbreaking - you could see that all he wanted to do was reach out and touch his daughter.

It wasn't until his visit home that I received my first thanks. We were walking through the airport, escorting him to his departing plane and drawing tons of attention; as my dad so aptly put it - there is nothing like a man in uniform carrying a baby bundled in pink to attract attention. We had people left and right smiling and saying "thank you." Some directed it specifically at him and some at us as a family. But there was one couple that will perhaps forever stick out in my mind. It was an older couple that came over to look at the baby then they thanked Jeremiah for his service. And then, with a kind of knowing in her eye, the older lady looked at me and said "Thank you for your sacrifice." Had she been in my position? Had she also once been the wife a soldier during war time? I'll never know for sure. But somehow she knew that it wasn't just my husband making sacrifices for his country. It was that "thank you" that brought tears to my eyes.

Do the "thank yous" make all the sacrifice worth it? No, not really. If one makes so many sacrifices for the glory of it or the "thank yous" they are going to become quickly discouraged. There is too much uncertainty, too many unseen challenges, too much sacrifices made and too few "thank yous" for them. But those "thank yous" that we do get, they make it easier to keep pushing on. They help remind us that we are not just making the sacrifices for our family and friends but also for the random strangers on the street...people we have never met. It's like that cool sip of water on a hot day...it means more than we could ever say.

I have not had to make the ultimate sacrifice, and I pray that I never do. And I know that there are many military wives and families that have it harder than I do. My sacrifices are small in comparison to some. There are those that go each day knowing nothing more than that their loved one, be it husband or wife or son or daughter, is in harm's way.Some deal with their loved ones having maimed or lost limbs...or memories of a war that they wish the could forget. Some have only the memories of their fallen soldier. But we all make our sacrifices, both great and small, for our fellow countrymen.

So whenever you see a service member, be it Army or Navy or Marines or Air Force or even the Coast Guard, stop and thank them. And thank their families too. Because you never know how far that kind word, that appreciation, will go.