The One I Want When My Dreams Come True...and When They Don't.

Nine years ago I spent over half the night wide awake wondering what I was about to get myself into. Was I making the right decision? Forever is an awfully long time. I was on the verge of a panic attack and wondering if I was crazy. I wonder if I had gotten a glimpse then of what my future would hold - the military life, babies, deployment, infertility, Alaska (no, really, I have a bear skull on my WALL!!!) - if the *me* of that time would have freaked out and become The Runaway Bride. It was certainly not the calm, quiet, stable, life I had envisioned.

But I'm glad I walked down that aisle and said "I do." I don't think any glimpse into my future could have possibly shown me how happy I'd be. Not some giddy "high" happy all the time; rather a deeply contented joy. Certainly no glimpse into my future could have truly displayed how much the man I was about to marry would come to mean to me.

We've faced some very high highs and some very low lows. Some of our dreams have come true while others have fallen apart. Through it all I've become far more independent yet in it my husband and I have grown infinitely closer. I came to realize that I didn't need my husband for survival but rather I want him because my life is indescribably more happy when he's around. My happiness is not dependent on him but I find it so much easier to be happy when I am with him. I don't just love him, I really, really like him. I like to be around him, to be with him. To laugh and to cry with him, to be silly and serious with him. He pushes me to grow, try new things, and become a better version of myself. He loves me when I'm being unlovable. He know how to make me madder than a hot pepper and how to make me swoon like a fainting goat. He's my Spirit of Adventure. He's not just my lover, he's my best friend. Even after 9 years of marriage he still gives me butterflies.

He's the one I want by my side when my dream's come true...and he's the one I want by my side when the don't.

We're Going on a Bear Hunt....

If someone had told my newly engaged self that in 10 years I would be a homeschool mom and Army wife, living in Alaska, hunting moose poop and bears and loving all of it, I would have thought they were nuts. None of that sounded like me. Much to my surprise every one of those is true. That last one - the bear hunt part, not the loving it all part - didn't become true until just yesterday.

My husband has always enjoyed hunting but hasn't done much of it since we married. Getting stationed in Alaska proved to be the exact push he needed to get back into hunting. Moose, caribou, bear, dahl sheep, and fish are all absolutely delicious additions to our table.

Going on a bear hunt

Well, ok, the jury is still out about how delicious the bear is but I'm willing to give it a try. Which is exactly why I found myself out bear baiting (which is not only legal but the norm here in AK) with my husband. He already had the stand set up and had taken both of our children as well as his mom out to check out the stand. In the perhaps truest Alaska-style date night we were headed out after my husband had finished work for the day to restock the bait station and check the trail cam to see what kind of activity had been captured. He was anxious to see if the momma grizzly and her two cubs that had visited earlier had returned or not (hopefully not!). The fact that it hasn't been getting dark until after midnight made a "night" trip like this not only doable but enjoyable, especially for a night owl like myself.

The nearly hour and half drive north was uneventful, other than some ridiculously slow service at McD's, but absolutely gorgeous. Once we finally arrived at the area we were going to park the truck before making the eight-ish mile trek on the four wheeler to the bait station. We'd nearly made it there when we came across another hunter on his quad. After chatting with him a bit, he told us his station was about 4 miles past our first one and very close to our second one, much to my husband's dismay. The hunter was rather colorful but seemed nice enough and we let him head out in front of us on the trail since he had farther to go.  Just a short ways up and about a tenth of a mile to the first bait station the hunter stopped his four wheeler and jumped off waiving somewhat wildly.  We pulled up behind him as he excitedly exclaimed "I saw a Blackie!"

My husband jumped off our four wheeler, grabbed his rifle and the two of them headed down the path tracking the black bear's prints in the mud while I trailed a safe distance behind. The fresh tracks were extremely exciting to see! About half-way down the trail the black bear's tracks veered off into the woods but we continued on the little bit farther to the bait station. My husband immediately checked his trail-cam to see if there'd been any activity at his stand.

Bear Tracks

My Foot compared to one of the bear tracks

From the trail cam

Not only was there bear activity, according to the time stamp, the first black bear had showed up a mere couple minutes before we did and was most likely scared off by the sound of us coming up the trail. It was also definitely not the same one the hunter had spotted. Our plans to merely bait the two stands and do a little work on the second stand changed very quickly! What had previously been a bear baiting tripped turned into a true bear hunt.

Up in the stand with the bait barrel behind me

I climbed up in the tree stand while my husband and the other hunter made their way back to the quads. The other hunter headed out first and my husband pulled up to the stand. He handed me the SD card from the trail cam and my computer so I could pull the pictures off while he restocked the bait barrel. As I sat there enjoying nature and the excitement of our change of plans I realized I was hearing rustling noises that were most definitely not my husband. I felt it was pretty imperative to get his attention, while not leaving the stand, and let him know. I had no idea if what I was hearing was a large or small animal so he asked me to be his eyes and ears.

This left me doing a combination of keeping an eye on my husband, fiddling with my computer to get the pictures downloaded, and checking the woods behind us for movement. The noise my husband was making dumping dog food around and into a metal can made it harder to hear movement so I was slightly startled to look up and see a black bear standing on the trail maybe five feet from the back of the four wheeler just watching us. Excitement shot through me and I began to whisper loudly, "Honey! Honey! Honey! HONEY!" Which did literally nothing to garner my husband's attention and the snapping of my fingers was just as ineffective. I did manage to catch the bear's attention and she glanced briefly up at me before averting her gaze back to my husband and the food he was distributing. I finally spoke a loud "HONEY!" while grabbing my phone so I could snap a picture of the beast that stood less than 10 yards from my safe haven. This time my husband looked at me expectantly.

"There's a bear!"

"There's a bear!" I was back to whispering loudly as I pointed to just beyond the four wheeler. Surprise and excitement registered on his face seeing this magnificent animal that was both hunter and yet prey standing so close to us. He pulled his rifle, which was slung over his back, around, took a couple of steps forward, and took careful aim. The black bear turned as if she was going to go back down the trail, took a couple of steps and just stopped as though debating what to do. With a calm, steady hand my husband fired. The shot echoed through the woods and the bear took off down the trail. My husband told me to stay put in the tree stand, which I had no issue doing, while he cautiously approached the trail to see where the sow had headed. Within seconds we heard a sound that eerily resembled a sad Chewbacca cry and then silence.

My husband motioned to me from the trail and told me that it was safe to come down while the reality of what had just taken place hit me. Tears filled my eyes as I climbed down. I knew that the bear would serve a good purpose to fill our freezer and our table with meat but that didn't ease the sadness of knowing we had taken the magnificent beast down. I feel no shame for my part in her death but I also feel no shame in my tears for her either. Life is a beautiful thing and taking it, even needfully, is something that I don't take lightly.

When I caught up to my husband he immediately noticed the tears in my eyes.

"Are you crying?" he asked.

"Yes," I choked out. "This is why I could never be a hunter."

He smiled understandingly not chiding or teasing me for my emotions. "It's a pretty solemn thing."

Mercifully it had been a clean shot through the heart and the bear had passed within a couple minutes at most, not suffering long. There was an odd mixture of sobriety and exhilaration as we checked over the bear and brought her back the couple yards to the trail so we could load her up on the quad.

We headed back to the stand so I could finish up with the pictures while my husband loaded up the bear and finished unloading the bear bait. I checked time stamps of the pictures from the trail cam and from my phone camera and realized, to my incredulity that from the time we first saw the tracks to the time we took down the bear it had no more than 30 minutes. For a trip that had originally been planned as a Bear Bait Date things had taken a drastically exciting turn.

Checking out the pics

My husband eventually joined me in the tree stand to talk about our little adventure, check out the pictures, and figure out if we wanted to hang out for a while or go ahead and head back home. While we conversed we started hearing more rustling in the woods. We eventually figured out that it was a squirrel when I saw it scamper across the forest floor and up a tree. We shrugged it off until it started chattering angrily at something out in the woods. My husband cautiously descended from the stand with his rifle while I, once again, happily stayed safely in my perch. After doing a little scoping he looked back at me to tell me there was another black bear out there. He did a little zig-zagging in our station area but couldn't get a clear shot and the bear decided to retreat a safer distance from us. Which was ok because we hadn't come prepared to take back one bear much less two!

We finally decided to finish packing up and head back with our sow secured to the front of the four wheeler. The way the whole situation played out felt so surreal. It worked together for an extraordinary date that will last as a both fantastic memory and a phenomenal story for many years to come.

Getting ready to head back

So gorgeous here

Getting "Masha" loaded up in the truck

One of the amazing veiws

Throwback Thursday: The Cry That Broke Momma's Heart

April is "the month of the military child" and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not really sure what that means. Military child "appreciation" month? Military child recognition month? I have no clue. It usually passes virtually unnoticed. We made it over half-way through the month before I remembered. I initially shrugged it off until I was going through some old facebook posts and ran across one I'd almost completely (but not quite) forgotten about. I wrote it shortly after we had PCSd (military lingo for moved to a new location) to Alaska. The first couple months up here were a bit of a doozy for all of us, both physically and emotionally. And, as if adjusting to a new location weren't bad enough, October rolled around and Congress decided to play chicken with balancing the budget. Again. And, again, that meant because they couldn't balance the budget that military pay was threatened until they could reach an agreement. Before this gets to political I'd like to point out that both parties are responsible for this - it's like Social Security and military pay are their bargaining chips. The uproar would be enormous if the military didn't get paid (thankfully our bank has our back even if our government doesn't) so instead of protecting that pay, which has been proposed more than once, they use it as a tool. It never ceases to tick me off. So there you have a little background as to what was going in our lives and minds when I wrote this post.



October 2, 2015

 "Last night I came in the room to find my son sobbing on his bed after bedtime.
  ' What's wrong?' I asked, fully expecting him to be upset about the music he was listening to or a missing stuffed animal, the blankets not being just right, or some such silliness that plagues the lives of small children. Instead my heart nearly broke when he whimpered, 'I want to go back to Tennessee. I miss my friends.'
  'I'm so sorry honey, I know it's hard.' I comforted.
  'No one here likes me, Mom, they all like Ana better!' And my heart broke a little more.
  Trenton is my 'hard to love' child...he's as cute as a button and momma's little snuggle bug but he tends to be extremely shy and standoffish with people he doesn't know. And he practically lives to shock and aggravate others. compared to his social butterfly sister he always comes up short. And as many times as I've reminded him that in order to have friends he has to be friendly, I think a part of his 5 year old little self just feels like it's too much of a struggle and that he just can't measure up to his sister. And underneath that tough, loner exterior he's truly a sweet and very sensitive child.
  So I asked him about the new friends he's made here and whether or not some of them liked him...he nodded a tearful 'yes' then followed that up with 'I just really miss my old friends.'
  I cuddled him on his bed and stroked his cheek while he fell asleep, promising that sleep would make it not hurt quite so much. But my heart has still not quite quit hurting for my baby boy. And it makes me angry with the flippancy that we, as a military family, get treated by those that should be most on our side. Our government is threatening our pay once again because they can't manage to balance the budget and rather than protect military pay (which has been proposed more than once) they use us as pawns. They say they pay us too much but force us to uproot our lives every 2-4 years sending us nearly anywhere on the globe of their choosing. No amount of money could ever compensate of having to comfort my hurting child or the amount of family time that we have missed and will continue to miss. When we're talking over $2,000 just for roundtrip airline tickets for a family of 4 to do down to the Lower 48, that makes seeing family a near impossibility for the next few years...but you're going to say we are paid too much? That we're overly entitled and money is being wasted on us? I'll be the first to say that there is a lot of waste in the Army but it's not being wasted in our pay...not with the sacrifices they are asking us to make. And to anyone that believes that it is being wasted on my family, say that to my face while I cuddle my children who are missing their friends and family after their whole little lives have been turned upside down again and while my husband does his duty for the sake of their freedom."


I still feel as passionately now as I did back then. The moves are hard on all of us. The uprooting, the changes, not being able to see family. My husband has missed the birth of one of his children, multiple birthdays, two anniversaries, and several holidays - and honestly, most of that is ok...it just goes with military life.

And we actually do enjoy the military life for the most part. It has it's drawbacks but it has it's really good points too. My husband thrives at his job; it's difficult and sometimes very emotionally taxing, but he's good at it. He's proud of what he does and so am I. We've been some great places and made some amazing, life-long friendships that we wouldn't have had it not been for these moves. It's forced me out of my comfort zone and made me a stronger, better person. So, yes, it is hard, but it's not all bad!

Leaving our friends behind is really difficult but gaining new ones? That's amazing. And we have. ALL of us. Ana, of course, was no surprise at how quickly my little bubbly extrovert made friends. Trenton and I both making really good friends within the first six months of being here is just barely short of a miracle. We have though, and it so wonderful!

Celebrating his 5th Birthday with his very first friend he made

A few more of his friends
Costume Practice for the Christmas play.
He was one of the wise men, I still haven't gotten over that irony!

Trenton and one of his buddies, chilling after having played...well, whatever it is that energetic little boys play!

Playing Legos at one of his favorite places with one of his favorite friends.

They love this place and these friends!

Going to see a movie with his "adopted sister" - or so he wishes. They get along about like siblings do!

Something To Talk About

It's been almost 3 years since the last time I posted. I've sat down to post at least a dozen times. I'll start typing but it just has never felt right. I've never been able to quite gather my thoughts enough to post them. And the longer I went without blogging the more difficult it's been to pick it up and start again. So much has changed; we've been through our share of ups and downs, multiple moves, loss, many new adventures, way too much to name in one little blog post. Some of my highest highs and lowest lows I've experienced over the last three years.

The last time I blogged my husband was just over a month away from coming home from a year long deployment. For the very few possible followers that I may have that are not also Facebook friends, I'd like to report that he did make it home safely. I'm fairly certain I've never been quite so happy as I was seeing his face for the first time in months at that Homecoming Ceremony. It was torture to have him so close but have to wait to just touch him, to hug and kiss him, while they did all the ceremonial procedures. Having him home was amazing; reintegration was a bit of a beast but we worked through. I am not a woman of few words so we'll save that story for another day. For now let's suffice it to say that those struggles and our "fight for our family" attitude made us stronger as a family.

When my husband came home we were stationed in Washington State. From there we went to Ft. Campbell, KY...a much desired duty station as his family lives just a few hours away. While there we began our homeschool journey which I have loved far more than I thought I would! And we bought a house and began renovations. Nothing super major (unless you consider completely gutting and refinishing a bathroom major) but we had lots of goals. Again, more stories for another day. We loved our little house and it's location.

And then we got the news...a good two years before we expected to PCS (Permanent Change of Station, which basically means a really big move, for those not savvy in military lingo) we found out that we were going to PCS. To Fort Wainwright, Alaska. Near the "large" thriving metropolis of Fairbanks. I didn't even know Ft. Wainwright or Fairbanks existed before we got those orders. I'm gonna be honest here and admit that I cried. As a matter of fact, I spent the rest of the day crying. I had lots of places I wanted to be stationed, Alaska was not on that list. Fairbanks, 6+ hours north of Anchorage and 6ish hours south of the Arctic Circle (SAY WHAT??????), did not come anywhere close to being on my list of desired places to live. I'm pretty sure, had I known of it's existence, it would have been on my "where I never want to live" list. Within 24 hours I made the decision that I was going to look at this as an extended vacation opportunity; the adventure of a life time. We were going to be living in North Pole! Not the actual North Pole, of course, but still, North Pole!!! How cool is that? There were a lot of really supportive people and a lot of negative Nelly's about our move and there were a few times where my "this'll be fun" attitude deserted me for a "I cannot move that far away from my family and everyone I love" attitude. But this Army Life with all it's moves is the life we chose and that means sometimes making the best of a hard situation...as the unofficial Army motto goes "Embrace the Suck." So I did.

The journey up was an adventure in itself - so many stories, so little time - but we finally made it all together and in one piece. Alaska was not particularly kind to us our first month here but it has more than made up for it in the convening months. By November my father jokingly accused me of being a living advertisement for Alaska. The shopping leaves a little to be desired but the other perks of the locale more than make up for it. A mama moose and her two babies in our backyard...way cool. The food - moose, elk, caribou, Alaskan king salmon, halibut - all absolutely delicious. And for a gal that has always hated winter, these winters have made me fall in love with this place. The winters here can be frigid but the winter landscape often makes me feel like I'm living in a postcard and the view of the sunrises and sunsets with the mountains from our back window is beyond gorgeous. The winter nights are long (and really mess with sleep patterns) but getting to see the Aurora Borealis for the very first time? Spectacular! Words could never describe the beauty and absolute awe I felt seeing them dance across the sky. Better yet, we welcomed the New Year in with Fireworks set to the backdrop of the Aurora Borealis making for the best light show ever. In all the history of New Years celebrations that I have been a part of, I have never, ever experienced a better one. I was literally in awe.

We are less than three weeks away from being in Alaska for 6 months. For the first time we've got a duty station that is actually making us want to stay and plant roots. I don't know that we will (it's way too soon to be making those decisions) but the fact that we are even considering it is kind of crazy. All I know is this place has stolen my heart and I want to share it. After nearly three years of not blogging I've finally found something that has motivated me to write again. Something to break through that writer's block barrier. Something that I have to share.

So, welcome to Alaska, dear readers. I hope you enjoy the journey as we endeavor to share our adventures with you.

Welcome to Alaska!

Meeting Santa at his "workshop" in North Pole

Neighborhood Moose Family

First Snow!!!!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!!!!

The Aurora Borealis as seen from our street